Rethinking Happiness: What If We Need to Learn How to Feel It?

I attended a workshop today that made me stop and reflect on happiness. We were asked to think back to moments when we had truly felt happy, to reconnect with those emotions. And yet, as I sat there trying to summon those feelings, I realised something unsettling—I don’t think I’ve ever really known how to fully experience happiness. As uncomfortable as that feels saying it… it’s true! The shocking realisation for me is that my whole research project was based on the concept of what makes people happy and here I am questioning whether I’ve ever experienced it.

Sure, I’ve had moments that should have been happy. Graduating, traveling, achieving personal and professional milestones. But looking back, I wasn’t actually feeling the happiness—I was processing the moment, trying to catch up with what was happening rather than allowing myself to be present and experience it.

Take my recent graduation, for example. It was the toughest journey—working full-time while studying, returning to education after years away, learning a new way of studying… online. Studying alone without a clue on where to start and what to do and then studying with incredibly intelligent people. Half the time, I didn’t even believe I deserved to be there. So, when the day arrived (my graduation), instead of thinking, Wow, I did it! I reached my goal!, I was stuck in disbelief, still trying to convince myself that I belonged.

Even when I travel, when I book holidays and see new places, I find myself wondering—Why don’t I feel the happiness that people in movies and books describe? That effortless, radiant joy with wide smiles and sparkling eyes, like something out of a toothpaste commercial? Why do I struggle to feel that pure, unfiltered joy?

Could it be that I’m afraid to be happy?

The Fear of Happiness—Does It Really Exist?

As strange as it sounds, fear of happiness is a real psychological phenomenon. In 2013, Joshanloo & Weijers conducted a study on cherophobia—the fear that experiencing happiness will lead to negative consequences. Their research found that in some cultures, people believe that being too happy invites bad luck or future suffering. Others avoid happiness because they feel undeserving of it, or because they associate it with complacency and weakness.

This resonated with me deeply. I had always assumed happiness was something automatic—something we all just feel when good things happen. But what if happiness, like any other emotion, is something we have to learn how to experience?

Is Happiness Cultural?

Happiness is not as universal as we might think. In Western societies, happiness is often tied to external achievements—career success, financial stability, personal milestones. But in many Eastern cultures, happiness is less about individual success and more about harmony, duty, and balance.

For example, the Japanese concept of ikigai is not about happiness in the traditional sense, but rather about having a sense of purpose. In some languages, there isn’t even a direct translation for the word “happiness.” Instead, emotions are more nuanced, focusing on contentment, fulfillment, or peace.

A study by Oishi & Gilbert (2016) found that people in Western cultures tend to define happiness as high-arousal emotions like excitement and euphoria, while in Eastern cultures, happiness is more commonly associated with low-arousal emotions like calmness and harmony. This made me think—perhaps my struggle to feel happiness is because I’ve been chasing the wrong version of it.

Why Do Some of Us Struggle to Accept Happiness?

Psychologists have explored why some people struggle to accept and fully experience positive emotions. One theory is self-sabotage—the subconscious belief that we don’t deserve happiness. Another is imposter syndrome, where people feel like frauds despite their achievements, making it difficult to celebrate success.

A study by Mathews & Wacker (2008) found that people with high self-criticism often struggle to experience joy because they constantly feel they haven’t earned it. When I read that, something clicked. Maybe I’ve spent so much of my life trying to prove myself that I never learned how to pause and enjoy the victories along the way.

How Can We Learn to Experience Happiness?

If happiness isn’t something we’re all naturally good at feeling, then maybe it’s something we can train ourselves to experience more deeply. Here are a few things I’m starting to explore:

This way to Happiness

•  Mindfulness and Presence: Studies show that people who practice mindfulness experience higher levels of well-being (Brown & Ryan, 2003). Happiness isn’t just about what happens—it’s about being present to feel it.

• Reframing Success: Instead of tying happiness to achievement, I’m trying to define it in more personal, meaningful ways. Maybe happiness isn’t a destination—it’s about noticing the small, beautiful moments along the way.

• Allowing Joy Without Guilt: Research by Gilbert et al. (2004) shows that some people associate joy with guilt or fear. I’m working on unlearning this and giving myself permission to fully feel happiness when it comes.

• Practicing Celebration: Instead of rushing past achievements, I’m trying to sit with them. To take a breath, acknowledge what I’ve done, and actually let myself feel proud.

  
  

Final Thoughts

I always thought happiness was something that would just happen when I reached the right milestone, travelled to the right place, or achieved the right thing. But now I realise—it’s not about reaching. It’s about learning how to let happiness in.

The word happiness feels too limited—too broad yet too refined, too simple yet too restrictive. It doesn’t quite capture the depth of what we truly feel. There are so many richer, more precise ways to describe joy.

For example, I might feel ‘mesmerised’ by the view of the endless blue sea from my hotel room. Or ‘peaceful’ as I sip my morning coffee in complete stillness. ‘Enlivened’ after an unexpected conversation that sparks new ideas. ‘Nostalgic’ when a song takes me back to a moment I didn’t realise I’d miss.

And maybe that’s why happiness feels elusive sometimes—not because it isn’t there, but because it doesn’t always hit in the instant, obvious way we expect. My emotions take time to process, unfolding gradually rather than all at once. Maybe my joy isn’t loud and immediate, but slow-burning and reflective. Maybe it’s something I recognise in hindsight rather than in the moment.

Not all happiness looks the same—sometimes, it’s quiet appreciation, deep satisfaction, or even the absence of struggle. The key is learning to recognise it in all its forms.

So, if you’ve ever felt like I do—like you should be happier but can’t quite hold onto it—maybe it’s time to stop chasing and start exploring. Maybe, like me, you’re not incapable of happiness. Maybe you just haven’t learned how to experience it yet.